Clothing, Self Expression and Social Identity

The title of an old self-help book, "Dress for Success" suggests some of why. Clothing and hair style choices define social roles and status. For decades I resisted getting a short haircut despite its comfort and convenience, because if I looked in the mirror and saw my face with a buzz cut, I looked conservative. It took several back and forth fashion changes in men's hair to convince me that long hair was no longer an indicator of liberals or short hair something that says "Republican."

Clothing defines identity socially. Almost all clothing is heraldry. It tells the world that you accept corporate culture and are a rising star in its hierarchy, a public representative of the company. Or it tells the world that you're counterculture and oppose Big Business. It defines whether you're conservative or liberal, rich or poor, young or old.

It takes a particular mentality for a middle aged person to successfully wear youth clothing and fit in with young groups. The difference between that goofy old idiot who thinks he or she looks good imitating teens and the mature person that teens actually make friends with, think is cool and hang out with is several things. One of the biggest is to choose flattering styles.

Wear what your young friends who aren't physically perfect do in order to obscure or disguise it rather than going for tight-fitting or revealing clothes that only look good on long-legged skinny kids. That's a biggie in itself. The more laughable middle-aged youth types are dressing to show off perfect bodies. That only works if they spend eight or more hours in the gym developing and maintaining a perfect body.

Anyone else should go casual and comfortable within the youthful styles. I remember there were some gray-haired hippies when I was young who were utterly cool. The only old people anyone in my generation trusted. They tended to be real, they had long histories of folk music and liberal outlooks, they wore bell bottoms pretty much the way everyone else who did liked them -- as a way to set themselves apart from the conservative suit and tie crowd.

Later on, the same thing happened among goths only I was the middle aged guy. I wore black all the time because I always liked it. I was outspoken on social issues and always had been. I had the opinions to go with the clothes and I could connect the black-clad young goth poet with a history of black-clad creatively rebellious people going back to the generation before mine and perhaps earlier. It was the same social and political stream -- goths were rebelling against many of the same things I rebelled against as a young hippie, the emptiness of consumerism and the emotional wasteland of both high school and much of modern conformity.

So be yourself and you'll give your tattoos, piercings and shaved head some authenticity. Don't just get into these types of radical displays just to look young, it won't fool anyone. Most of all cultivate an attitude of looking at the future, not the past. Old people look at the past and don't see themselves as having much future. Young people always talk about what they're going to do, what they want to change, what's going to happen good or bad.

That's also a good way to stay active and healthy, to live better. The moment you start thinking more about the past than the future is the point you make yourself a has-been.

People don't exist in a social vacuum.

Women who wear long sleeves, high necks, long skirts or pants and a head covering make a point of showing that they are Islamic. Some of the styles aren't obvious -- one young Islamic girl my daughter knew tended to gypsy styles with vests, fluffy long skirts and pirate-sleeve blouses with kerchiefs on her head. The style didn't fit the typical styles for modern Moslem women but it covered her as much and fit the rules. She was just creative about it and blended several styles in one.

A plump young punk girl in bulky oversize olive drab fatigues, who shaved her head and dyed one remaining chunk bright green, explained to me that when she dressed like that, she attracted the boys she thought were cool and did not get sexually harassed by 'normal' boys the way she did if she wore a dress. It made perfect sense. What was ironic was that her hippie activist mother in caftans, long hair, no makeup and a lot of jewelry didn't see it and was horrified at her daughter's clothing... even though she actually took after her a lot and dared to use an extreme appearance to make a social statement.

Now we come to people who do get into the corporate world and dress for success. What happens when the economy goes south is that reducing debt becomes a lot more important than spending a lot of money on clothing and accessories. Generally, women's clothing isn't built to last as much as men's anyway. Even expensive items seem to have slipshod construction.

One solution is to buy used good items, better than you could afford if they were new. Another is to look for deep discount sales on very good things, because there is still some difference in quality of materials and construction between very good things and their knockoffs. Choose classic styles and wear them till they wear out.

Vary them by changing their context and accessories or vary them by home tailoring. One of the subtlest differences between high status clothing and social climbers is that the wealthy get their clothing tailored. It fits better, it fits in flattering ways rather than being off the rack. Very few men or women are exactly the shape of a standard size at a clothing store.

Instead they're a little taller or stouter, have longer arms or shorter arms, thicker necks in relation to arm length and so on. Wearing tailored clothing takes some skills -- or it takes finding someone who has those skills and paying for your clothes to be altered to fit you. Or constructed for you in the first place.

There are some good amateurs who dress well all the time because sewing is their hobby. One flamboyant gay man I knew in New Orleans literally never wore anything more than once -- because he got all his clothing from thrift stores and treated it as art supplies. He'd wear an outfit once, then deconstruct it and use the pieces to design the next one. He spent a couple of days a week sewing and literally never had to wear the same thing twice.

He accomplished that affectation without ever blowing his budget or using a credit card. He lived on the cheap and put most of his money and energy into causes, yet lived in tremendous luxury because he was frugal without denying the pleasures of life. Frugality is the opposite of self-denial. It's finding ways to get real luxury -- things you actually use and enjoy -- into your life while spending less for them. If possible, spending nothing for them.

Sewing and clothing construction is a hobby that pays for itself in the cost of buying clothes, if you keep up with fashion at even an average level. Start with easy patterns and simple construction. Use good materials, but use a trick that professionals have for centuries. Try the pattern first on practice fabric. Used old sheets are good for this, even cheaper than dollar fabric although occasionally you can find whole bolts of something ugly for a dollar or two. Snap those up for practice fabric and then recycle the practice pieces as patchwork or upholster the dog bed, use it for something where its looks don't matter or are appropriate to the purpose.

Check out library books on tailoring and sewing. Take all the measurements suggested and note them in detail. This matters. Measure each side separately. Some people have slight variations in arm and leg length.

If in measuring, you find more than a half inch difference, then see a doctor and get a referral to a specialist because you have a disability that'll explain why you can't walk as far or as fast as other people and have chronic fatigue. I have 3cm difference between my legs and nearly an inch on my right arm. This is crippling, I have to run to reach a walking pace and it takes five times the body energy for me to do any physical activity including standing that it does for any symmetrical person.

If it's less than that, it's negligible -- except for how your clothes fit. A quarter inch difference doesn't really impair people and is common but can change how you're perceived socially if both cuffs on long sleeves come down to the same point. There may be side to side asymmetry in width too on various body parts. Many women have uneven breast sizes -- and that is something no off-the-rack blouse or dress will conform to.

So learn your own body in all its complex unique shape and then choose styles that are flattering. Adjust them to fit perfectly. That gives an impression of class and status that you can put in by sweat equity and study. Tailoring also makes good clothing last longer. The little ways in which pants or a shirt are too tight strain the fabric and wear out seams, demanding earlier replacement than something that fit right all along.

Keep an eye out like my gay young friend for good items and large things made in good fabric in colors you like. Just because a style is wrong for you but it is your color doesn't mean you can't take the sleeves off, change the neck, take it in or literally cut up larger areas to make something else with it, like a vest from a jacket. Cut away worn areas and use the good fabric.

Look at your body type and study fashion while learning to sew. Some colors and styles are flattering to different builds. Loose clothing tends to flatter heavier people, male or female. For one thing it looks as if you just lost a bit of weight versus trying to stuff yourself into something that used to fit. Horizontal stripes can visually bulk up a wimpy chest, that's a big one for guys and why so many shirts and sweaters have horizontal stripes. It's to make your upper body look larger.

Darker colors and muted colors draw attention away from a focal point. This is an artist's trick that fashion designers are well aware of. So if someone's got a Coke-bottle build, wear dark pants (or skirts if you're a lady) and wear lighter or brighter colors for shirts to draw emphasis upward. Colorful ties or jewelry are an attention getter, choose designs that reflect identity and personality.

The artistic skill of dressing well isn't limited to gender. It breaks down into a surprising variety of styles each of which makes a different social statement. I like looking pale. I sit indoors and write novels, I always thought vampires looked cool, wearing black a lot tends to leave me looking pale and thin.

I'm actually short, stocky and crooked but I've been described by others as about four or five inches taller and about 30 pounds lighter than I really am, because of my personality and outlook on life. I fit a stereotype or maybe archetype of tall thin poets, writers and artists who burn with passion for ideas -- and people filter what they see through those stereotypes.

Appearances aren't even appearances sometimes.

Using tailors' tricks to make your body look better is much more effective than throwing a lot of money into expensive clothes bought new off the rack. You're not personally responsible for the economy and buying things on deep discount sale or making or remaking them for yourself is a good way to keep up an appearance of wealth and status without destroying your wealth to create status.

If you hate sewing and really don't want to take up the hobby, find someone who does it well and then pay that person to retailor your clothes. You may actually save a lot of money even with the tailor or seamstress fees to make it fit by how long it lasts and how good it looks year to year.

The other reason people blow a lot of money on clothing is to treat themselves. It's a reward, it's "retail therapy." In the process of shopping, people are treated better than in any other aspect of modern life. They are wooed, they are asked to make choices, they are in charge of their choices. This can be heady when at work or at home all your choices are subject to partner veto or the boss or company's policies, especially when you've been forced into decisions you know are stupid and see the consequences coming down the pike.

So if that is the benefit of retail therapy, a social role that involves choice, freedom and responsibility for yourself, then think of the shopping trip itself as the treat rather than where it takes place. Once I figured that out, thrift store trips and flea markets became as much fun or more fun than shopping in stores.

For one thing, flea market people are going to give you much more personal attention, chat and be sociable while selling. The successful ones are personable and friendly, good at making customers feel appreciated and give personal attention. Get what you went out for with the treat and patronize flea markets and craft fairs. Knowing the artist who personally crafted your string tie holder is a wonderful feeling. You're a patron of the arts.

You also paid less because you cut out a lot of middlemen and talked directly to the artist. The same goes for wearable art -- it can be a striking statement too. Artists are a lot of fun and wearing something unique that was created for you on commission is very special indeed.

Be aware of social pressure about your choices. If you practice that frugality, be honest about it even if some people are going to be snobby about where they bought what they got. Keep in mind that you're buying down your debt and they're digging themselves deeper... and that the wealthy are frugal, it's how those old family mansions fill up with priceless treasures. They got rich by frugality and then investing the money saved.

Success in being frugal about clothing is a major area of expense for most people. It can even be enough to bring back some other entertainment choices in your life and relax about the bills, or to cut back on overwork and have time to enjoy the things you bought.

The rich do whatever they want and feel entitled to do whatever they want. They don't worry about what other people think of them the way so many people do if they're climbing. They just live large and be who they are. So if you begin to adopt that attitude, you may actually be moving faster on the wealth track, especially if frugality starts putting you ahead on bills and savings.

It takes self honesty. It takes not being fooled by advertisers. Most Americans pride themselves on their sales resistance without realizing how often every single day, they wind up listening to loud ads that interrupt every three minutes like screaming toddlers to bug you to buy something. It leads to obesity because you're reminded to eat even when you're not hungry and offered huge portions when you are a little hungry -- but only a little and a snack would be enough. That leads to more clothing expense.

Dieting and blowing diets leads to a fortune in clothes. Some people need to maintain wardrobes in three or four sizes to cope with the results of dieting and going off diets. If that describes your habits, consider giving up dieting altogether in favor of gradual habit changes. Add more healthy foods to what you eat, one at a time about once a month. Have a little the first week, have it more often the next week, by the third have it regularly and give it another week to settle in.

Your tastes may actually change doing that and any weight you take off is much more likely to stay off. The process of dieting, deprivation and self punishment teaches your body that your food source is unreliable. It has to store any calorie that comes its way as fat because you might diet again any time and go on a starvation regimen.

Gradually introducing better nutrition in a way that doesn't disrupt digestion slowly stages down the body from that emergency store-everything state into a more natural flow of calories into activity. So any weight lost is going away for good. Also remember if you increase activity, that muscle weighs more than fat. The scale may not show what the tape measure does, so look at both for the results.

Cutting back or cutting down on television is a good way to make time for activities like bargain hunting and home tailoring. If you plant a garden, you have a source of better nutrition that costs pennies but takes time and work, it can be done even in a windowbox. So taking up a frugal lifestyle is just that -- a shift in habits on a lot of things all at once.

The net result though is less stress, better health, better looks and of course, a point at which people start commenting that you have style. Having Style is a matter of dressing well for who you are, making your self expression a clear communication of your goals, ideas and beliefs. It's also liking yourself for who you are.

If there's something you don't like in your life, look at ways you can change it and dress for the new you. Start shifting your social context, especially outside work where you choose to go to this group or that. If you dress well, dress real and use your clothes to express your dreams as well as your present reality, that will come through as the effective message it is, helping to create your new social role.

Be aware of what your clothing says about you, because if it contradicts who you really are, that puts people off. That's a lot of "bad style" in itself. People who imitate television without understanding that color and shape of garments affect skin tone and apparent build wind up looking bad. People who imitate television without understanding that a favorite character played by an attractive actor or actress is someone very different from who they are (and maybe someone they wouldn't want to have anything to do with in real life) will give crossed signals and disturb people, at best come off as a pretentious phony.

So don't take your role models from media. Instead look around you at the real people that you know, local fashion is going to be different from the media anyway. Something that in New York would look bad or look pretentious may be completely appropriate and attractive in your town. So look at who you are, where you are and what you really like.

If you wear clothes you like that in your opinion make you look good, that gives real confidence. That can make your day before you go out the door.